Do I Get A Turn?

As I sit in the waiting room, waiting, I obviously have a lot of time on my hands.  A lot of time on my hands means a lot of time to think.  Which is never a good thing for me.  One of my step-sons has just come out of surgery and they have brought him to his room.  As I, his step-mother for the past 5 years and in his life for 2 before that, wait in the waiting room, his mother insists that her best-friend and brother be with her.  My husband is in there too.  I on the other hand am in the waiting room all by my lonesome.  I begin to wonder why my husband isn't insisting that I be by his side in this particular situation.  Why am I not given a turn to be with my step-son?  It isn't like I am here for my own health.  It isn't like I haven't been there for him these past 7 years.  Why does no one think I have any rights in this situation?  I understand perfectly well that I am not his mother, nor am I saying that I should have the same rights.  I am saying that as a step-parent, a step-parent who has been very involved in my step-son's lives, there should be some respect and courtesy given to me.  However, there isn't any.  Sometimes not even from my husband, this is a prime example of that.  Everyone always says that I knew what I was getting into when I started dating my husband.  Another one is that I have two children of my own that I have to worry about and to stop worrying about the three that aren't mine.  Yes, I did know what I was getting into, but it wasn't always like this.  There is no fine print to read before entering a relationship with someone who has children with someone else who they were also married to.  When you love someone you don't think about the hardships that could happen in the future.  And yes, I do have two beautiful children of my own with my husband.  But before those two children came, there were only my three step-sons.  Three boys who I came to love very much in a very short amount of time, who I would do anything for.  Not just because I love their father, but because I love them.  They are my family.  Why does no one see that?  Why is it so hard to understand?  Why do people look upon it as a bad thing?  They have grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins who love them too.  Why is it such a taboo that I, again their step-mother for the past 5 years and in their life for 2 before that, love and care for them too?  So can anyone tell me, when is it my turn?

One Day I Will Be Gone...

...but remember I loved you.
I loved you with every smile you gave me.
I loved you with every little kiss.
I loved you with all your hugs.
I loved you when you would wake me up in the early hours of the morning.
I loved you when you would wake me in the middle of night to snuggle into my bed.
I loved you when you told me stories.
I loved you when you asked me to scratch your back.
I loved you when you would talk through a whole movie.
I loved you when you wanted to brush my hair.
I loved you when you didn't listen to me.
I loved you when I put you in time out.
I loved you when I had to shut off the TV.
I loved you when I wouldn't let you play outside.
I loved you when I couldn't wake up in the morning.
I loved you when I couldn't take care of you.
I loved you when you knew something was wrong with mommy.
I loved you more than life itself, more than my own.
When I saw you two for the first time, I knew what true love was.
I will never love another like I love the two of you, it isn't possible.
You two could never be replaced.
So please remember, one day I will be gone, but I always, always loved the both of you. 

The End

Have you ever fallen into a deep hole?  So deep you don't even pretend there is a way out.  When you fell in that hole, it wasn't so bad.  You were still hanging from the top with a good grip and firm footing.  You continued your life like that, getting away with no one knowing the wiser.  There are those who would come in your life and they would see, bend over and give you hand.  They may have been able to hold onto you for a little while but then their arms would get tired.  Overtime you would slip lower and lower down into that whole, and it would be harder and harder for your loved ones to give you a hand.  You don't tell anyone how far down you have fallen because you keep trying to climb back up.  Sometimes you have success, but then you just fall again.  Now because you haven't told anyone how far you have fallen, the times you have made progress, are not remembered or acknowledged.  No one even knew that you were so far down anyway.  Now it is too late.  Now there is nothing to grab onto.  There is nowhere to put your feet to even try to climb up.  You are so deep that no one can hear you screaming for help.  No one knows you are down there.  You are going to die there.  This is your end.   

Where Did I Go...What Have I Become?

Growing up in a chaotic household, I would oftentimes dream of my knight in shining armor.  I know now that in my teens it was just a little girl's imagination running wild that he would come and take her away from her life.  When I was old enough I realized that the fantasy wasn't enough.  I needed to do something to get out.  So I did just that and got out.  

When I was "free" out in the world, if that is what you even want to call it, I did it all, and I mean ALL.  I did it all impulsively and with lack of self control.  I met my share of potential knights, at least that was what I thought they were at the beginning, just to be disappointed time and time again.  Then there were all the men that I just knew for a moment to fill the void in between those times.  Like I said, I did everything without self control.  Then the last impostor broke me so bad, I was at a point I didn't think I could ever come back from.

That's when it happens though, isn't it?  That's when you meet the "one".  When I met him I knew.  Somehow I knew this was different, I was different.  I couldn't get him out of my head.  I made it very clear that I was interested with no reciprocation from the other end.  I was baffled, this was not how it worked.  I showed my interest, they came running, so what was the problem here?

The problem was there were other people involved, like three little boys and an ex-wife.  I could handle it, I was strong enough for this.  I mean he was it.  He was the knight I had always dreamed of as a little girl.  I was ready for this.  I was falling in love with this man and ready to do anything for him. 

This is where I think I begin to change.  Now I totally agree that there were some things that changed that were for the better, like the partying, the guys, the drugs etc.  However, there were other things that didn't have to, and that is why I am writing this today.

When you are with a man with children, it is easy to get wrapped up in said children.  I mean that is what your significant other wants you to do right?  Even if he does, slow down, because there is someone who doesn't, their mother, and maybe even the children themselves.  In all honestly, you throw yourself in the title of step-mother so fast to please everyone because you think that is what they want without adjusting to it, without breathing it in a little bit.  I did just that.  I became a step-mother before I was even legally married to their father.

During this honeymoon time, I was on meds that had me stabilized pretty good with my bipolar disorder.  Then I became pregnant and had to go off the meds.  That is when my mental issues started slipping.  So in two years I became a step-mother to three boys and a mother to one boy, and the arch enemy to one very vindictive bitch, the boys' mother.  

After my first pregnancy, I never thought I would get pregnant again.  I returned on medication and liked this "cocktail" better.  Wouldn't you know it...a few months into losing weight I was pregnant again.  This pregnancy was worse and took whatever sanity I had left with it.  After having my daughter, I not only was dealing with my bipolar disorder but was secretly trying to keep my postpartum under control.  It went untreated for almost a year and a half.  I finally went in for help with a suicide attempt.

That was a year and a half ago, my daughter is three now.  I am not any better.  I am still not happy.  I love my children with my every breath and would hurt anyone who did anything to them, but I am not happy.  I go above and beyond for my husband, especially when it comes to the boys.  I do that because those boys have made a special place in my heart, and do it to make my husband happy.  

Do you know what it is like to keep doing and doing without getting anything in return?  I know they say if you love them not to expect anything in return.  But what about a thank you?  A hug?  Any form of acknowledgement that I am there doing it for them, not my benefit, but for them?  Why is it so hard?

Then I question, why do I keep doing it if it is just going to hurt me in the end?  What is the point?

None of this has gotten me anywhere.  Yes I have two beautiful children.  However, I have no friends.  I barely talk to my cousin who I was inseparably at a time.  I have no life.  Everyone thinks I have no right to be angry about anything because I am not the one working, I just stay home with the kids, I don't have to do anything.  I mean I just have a mental disease I have to deal with everyday.  I have to deal with the fact that I love three boys that don't love me back.  I take care of my kids all day and all they ask me is when daddy is coming home.  I am constantly trying to make a woman happy that is impossible, and no one understands, neither do they try to.  I have in-laws that have basically proven to me that I don't matter to them.  I have a mother who is blaming me and getting mad at me for everything.  I can't seem to do anything right.

My fairy tale did not play out how I thought it would.  I lost myself a long time ago.  I lost my sanity way before that.  There were so many things I wanted to do and become, what happened?  Now it is too late.  I am to sick to do anything.  If I continue like this, pretty soon there won't be much of me left I am afraid.

Where did I go...what did I become?  Aimee I need you to come back!  Your family needs you.