Growing up in a chaotic household, I would oftentimes dream of my knight in shining armor. I know now that in my teens it was just a little girl's imagination running wild that he would come and take her away from her life. When I was old enough I realized that the fantasy wasn't enough. I needed to do something to get out. So I did just that and got out.
When I was "free" out in the world, if that is what you even want to call it, I did it all, and I mean ALL. I did it all impulsively and with lack of self control. I met my share of potential knights, at least that was what I thought they were at the beginning, just to be disappointed time and time again. Then there were all the men that I just knew for a moment to fill the void in between those times. Like I said, I did everything without self control. Then the last impostor broke me so bad, I was at a point I didn't think I could ever come back from.
That's when it happens though, isn't it? That's when you meet the "one". When I met him I knew. Somehow I knew this was different, I was different. I couldn't get him out of my head. I made it very clear that I was interested with no reciprocation from the other end. I was baffled, this was not how it worked. I showed my interest, they came running, so what was the problem here?
The problem was there were other people involved, like three little boys and an ex-wife. I could handle it, I was strong enough for this. I mean he was it. He was the knight I had always dreamed of as a little girl. I was ready for this. I was falling in love with this man and ready to do anything for him.
This is where I think I begin to change. Now I totally agree that there were some things that changed that were for the better, like the partying, the guys, the drugs etc. However, there were other things that didn't have to, and that is why I am writing this today.
When you are with a man with children, it is easy to get wrapped up in said children. I mean that is what your significant other wants you to do right? Even if he does, slow down, because there is someone who doesn't, their mother, and maybe even the children themselves. In all honestly, you throw yourself in the title of step-mother so fast to please everyone because you think that is what they want without adjusting to it, without breathing it in a little bit. I did just that. I became a step-mother before I was even legally married to their father.
During this honeymoon time, I was on meds that had me stabilized pretty good with my bipolar disorder. Then I became pregnant and had to go off the meds. That is when my mental issues started slipping. So in two years I became a step-mother to three boys and a mother to one boy, and the arch enemy to one very vindictive bitch, the boys' mother.
After my first pregnancy, I never thought I would get pregnant again. I returned on medication and liked this "cocktail" better. Wouldn't you know it...a few months into losing weight I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was worse and took whatever sanity I had left with it. After having my daughter, I not only was dealing with my bipolar disorder but was secretly trying to keep my postpartum under control. It went untreated for almost a year and a half. I finally went in for help with a suicide attempt.
That was a year and a half ago, my daughter is three now. I am not any better. I am still not happy. I love my children with my every breath and would hurt anyone who did anything to them, but I am not happy. I go above and beyond for my husband, especially when it comes to the boys. I do that because those boys have made a special place in my heart, and do it to make my husband happy.
Do you know what it is like to keep doing and doing without getting anything in return? I know they say if you love them not to expect anything in return. But what about a thank you? A hug? Any form of acknowledgement that I am there doing it for them, not my benefit, but for them? Why is it so hard?
Then I question, why do I keep doing it if it is just going to hurt me in the end? What is the point?
None of this has gotten me anywhere. Yes I have two beautiful children. However, I have no friends. I barely talk to my cousin who I was inseparably at a time. I have no life. Everyone thinks I have no right to be angry about anything because I am not the one working, I just stay home with the kids, I don't have to do anything. I mean I just have a mental disease I have to deal with everyday. I have to deal with the fact that I love three boys that don't love me back. I take care of my kids all day and all they ask me is when daddy is coming home. I am constantly trying to make a woman happy that is impossible, and no one understands, neither do they try to. I have in-laws that have basically proven to me that I don't matter to them. I have a mother who is blaming me and getting mad at me for everything. I can't seem to do anything right.
My fairy tale did not play out how I thought it would. I lost myself a long time ago. I lost my sanity way before that. There were so many things I wanted to do and become, what happened? Now it is too late. I am to sick to do anything. If I continue like this, pretty soon there won't be much of me left I am afraid.
Where did I go...what did I become? Aimee I need you to come back! Your family needs you.
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